2003-12-12 6:37 p.m.

Stoned self analysis

So since I broke up with that dork joe I have been catching up on my smoking so I bought a bag and righteously so...

Now begins my self deprecation

It's weird how you lose the details of your past so easily. I vaguely remember the pain of my high school days during which I banished myself from student life over an asshole gaggle of supposed friends that didn't deserve me. The loves that I felt were so earth shatteringly strong yet now I question their validity from every angle...My weird jack knife moves in which I had turned off the "love switch" on a guy only to turn it back on once I saw another girl moving in on my territory. I wonder why I wasn't pissing on them and leaving my scent eh? Ruff! Gruff! Bark! Mine!

And I wonder if that was some sort of residual genetic desire for that which I could/should not have. Just as my mother reached for the forbidden fruit so often in her life by falling for a perpetual wave of unavailable people. Whether dying, closetted, married, or otherwise involved. I.E. My father/her best friend's father. Was that some sort of subconscious longing to understand why my mother did what she did and somehow justify my own existence? I often sat in front of the mirror and wondered what about me would be different had she pulled any nameless guy off the street as opposed to wrecking a family. I often wondered if my fate was sealed having been born a child of adulterous sin. Did God even look my way? Did I even count? Should I be here at all?

I have come to realize that whatever it was that drew me to unrequited loves is nothing but an errqant psycho/emotional twitch of my synapses which I must overcome in order to become a better person.

How I got myslef into the three year vicious cycle that starts from anorexia and bulemia and leads into sheer fat-assness is beyond me. IT's also beyond oprah, and many others so fuck it I figure. Where does my lack of finding a middle ground come from? Why is it that I only under-achieve or over-achieve?

I love or use and destroy whatever pathetic soul lets me sneak into their hearts...When will I shut off teh auto-destruct and become a successful person inside and out?

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