2003-11-22 8:48 p.m.

My mind is working overtime right now spewing out the whait ifs in some neurotic safety net which my mind thinks if I can think of it...it won't happen. I am constantly on watch looking out for scams and con artists. I am a caged animal trapped by my incessant neuroticisms.

My grandmother looks horrible and is dying right now as I type away my sorrow, miles away from her bedside. My own mistakes(DUI) keep me at home. I hate being dependent on others for things. The law says I can't drive and although I cheat a little, nothing would be worse than getting arrested on the way to say goodbye.

So I wait and gather myself for what has come to pass. Hours of guilt-ridden tears and wondering if she will at least die thinking I was a good person? Feeling selfish for wanting her to stay when I know she is tired and it is far beyond her time.

I spoke to her on the phone the last time she was really cognitive and conscious. She said she was ready to go. She might not know where she was headed but knew that it was time. SHe said I need to find another sweet old lady to take her place. I tried not to cry and make her laugh instead stating that I could never find someone as wrinkled as her and noone could ever replace her.She giggled. I shwed up later that night and she had slipped away a little more. She didn't believe it was me at first and when she did, she tried to wrap herself around me and ask me to take her away...presumably to die at home in peace in her sleep as she had always wanted. I broke down.

The new guy Brian has been here through the whole thing. This must be hideous for him to endure. I don't mean to put him through this kind of drama but it is me and my life right now and I cannot control neither the circumstances or their horrible timing.

She coded tonight. She was unfortunately at a different hospital and they had norecord of her DNR wishes. She was thus intubated and placed on a respirator until the proper paperwork and red tape could be cut and filed. It was teh last thing she wanted to happen to her. After all the living children had signed and notarized the order, the respirator was removed so that she may go on and be in the kind pf peace that we as a family were unable to provide her with.

I will go back there again...keep vigil...stay close to those I never sided with before...Because it was what she always wanted.

She has lived long past her husband,two daughters,two grandsons, and two great grand children. She has survived muggings, the attempted murder of her son, The kidney transplant of another, and jail time for three of her children. She bore the full time burden of worry as long as I can remember.

I never came around. I was unable to see the disdain in the eyes of my family for very long. I never called ahead, just surprised whenever I felt the ambition or need. I figured odds were far less that there would be a large number of family members if my appearance was not announced. Always so selfish and guilt-ridden about my childhoos thievery and deception that I could not come by enough for fear of looking in their eyes.

Such a small gesture to just come by and make her day . But I just couldn't do it. Now I wish I hadn't been such a piece of shit and stayued at her side.

She was my anchor. She kept me grounded. Reminded me of what wa sright. It's her voice that resounds in my mind when I am steering in teh wrong direction. " Mija. portece bien " be good " Mija, cuidece" take care of yourself.....

She was always pushing to love me when mom went to jail. I was so angry that I kept pushing her away...Eating dinner locked in my room and only coming out for necessary reasons. I lost myself in books and music. Sade, Juliana Hatfield, skinny puppy, breeders, bjork, etc...

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