2003-04-04 12:05 a.m.

some fiction writing from my friend Jason Lobel.....

Back when Timmy and I were friends, before I knew what i know now, we used to go out to lunch once in a while together.

When we would do this we would always take his car as I always drove my motorcycle.

In the back seat of Timmy's car there would often be a child's car seat. Now being that I am often forgetful I would repeatedly ask him "why do you have a car seat in the back?" He would say "It's my sisters" most of the time, and the rest of the time he would tell me "It's Jill's." Now I know Jill doesn't have kids of her own so I assumed it was for a sister or brother of Jill's, even though it is Timmy's car which made it seem odd. But what you have to understand is that Timmy is a damn freak, and besides from sitting at home with his huge collection of abnormal porn, the only thing Timmy does in his life is occasionally go out with Jill. So despite him having told me after they were together for 6 months that the only two places they have ever gone together were to the movies and out to eat, I assumed that maybe Jill had siblings, and the siblings had kids, that it was possible that Timmy would sometimes take Jill and her niece or nephew out someplace.

But....

Timmy started telling me that it was his sisters when i asked him about the car seat which the doll was now safely secured in, and I knew that his sister, although pregnant, had up until now exactly zero children. Maybe, Timmy was so close to Jills family that he now referred to Jills sister as his own.

It was around this time that I started having to move the dolls from the front seat into the back.

Now, i use the word dolls with an "s" because i don't know for sure if there was only one doll or if there were several lifelike baby dolls I had been moving front the front to the back because for me they were only something I'd be tossing into the back seat while giving Timmy a strange look when getting into his car. I'd say "What's with the doll bro?" and he'd say "don't worry about it" and I wouldn't. It wasn't a big deal and never anything worth giving a second thought to. Although after a while it started to seem strange.

One day while I'm getting into the car to go to lunch i notice the baby seat's in the back, and a baby sized doll is on the front seat. I pick up the baby and sit down as Timmy is getting read to pull out of the parking space.

Now I'm sitting there with this doll in my lap, looking back at the baby seat and back to the doll, and I'm thinking "What the hell is with this stuff? It's always here. Always a doll, the child seat, sometimes the doll iis in the child seat, and wait.... Hold on one second..."

"Hey Timmy, let me ask you something....." "Okay, what's up" he says. "well, let me ask you something.... Whenever I get into your car there's a baby seat in the back right?" "yeah so?" Timmy says. "So you said it's your sisters correct?" "yeah.... So?" Timmy says again. "well I know your sis doesn't have any kids bro... And what's with the damn dolls all the time in here? there's always one in the front seat." I say while looking over at him suspiciously. "So?" Timmy says as though all of this is normal. "So don't you and jill drive to work together in the mornings?" i say with a hint of contempt. "Yeah" Timmy says, slightly nervous. "Well, bro, does Jill sit in the back or something? Jill in the back and the doll in the front?" I said with raised brows. "No" Timmy says. So I ask him "Then why then is the doll in the front seat every time? Doesn't make sense bro. You said the child seats is your sisters and she has no kids, then you say it's Jills, there's always dolls in your car and they're almost always in the front seat. What the hell is going on here?"

Timmy looks at me with deadly seriousness and says "Don't tell anyone in the office, but it's Jill's stuff"

I'm like "wholly shit bro! Jill has a kid??!! And Nobody knows?? Oh my god bro! That's crazy!"

He looks at me almost laughing and says "No, they're her dolls, and the car seat is for the dolls."

Now the honest to god truth is that Timmy is the world biggest liar. I mean that with no exaggeration, I honestly think that Timmy has told more lies then anyone anywhere before and probably ever will after him. I've never even heard of somebody who lies like he does. Pretty much every time he opens his mouth, no matter what the subject, it's a lie. Timmy is the kind of person who goes to the movies and to McDonalds, bumps into you an hour later and when you ask him "What have you been up to tonight" he will respond "Not much, we just went to blockbuster and then to burger king." His lies serve no purpose whatsoever, and yet he lies just the same. I've known people with that problem but never to the extent that Timmy has. My point here is that although Timmy tends to lie about anything and everything, and despite my not actually walking into my office, sitting down and asking "Hey Jill, what's with your dolls?" and getting an aswer, I really can't take for granted that what Timmy said is actually true, but all the pieces do add up. The dolls are always in the front seat, the kid seat is always in the car the same time the life sized baby dolls are in the car and sometimes the doll is in the childs car seat. He's been sketchy about the whole situation for months, and now when finally confronted he seemed at least to be serious and also worried that i would tell Jill I know about her little fetish.

I said to him "bro, she's 19 years old!!!!" and he replied "Yeah but she's a girl and girls like that shit" "Yeah they do.... when they're 8 years old" i said.

But then I started thinking about Timmy's one and only hobby and realized that no matter what it was that Jill's into, Timmy has no way to make a comment about it.

You see, Timmy only does one thing in life, and that my friend is spank it.

That boy has called me up crying I don't know how many times begging me to help him find ways into therapy or help him find support groups for dudes who spank it to much. He's instant messages me declaring "I've been spanking 6 times a day bro, I can't stop spankin'. I don't know what to do."

So how is a spankaholic like that going to criticize somebody else just for playing with dolls?? Basically I think it's not going to happen.

Back when I was actually still friends with Timmy he would IM me every day saying things like "Bro... go check out www.chickswhoeatdogshitandfuckmidgets.com. I just joined it!!!" "Ummmm... no thanks bro. I'm not interested in that, but what did it cost you?" "$24.00 for two weeks....." "JESUS CHRIST!!!!" i would type. "Didn't you just join a site like that yesterday, and three two days ago, and one the day before that?" "What is this shit costing you bro??" He would straight up say "My parents pay for everything bro. I don't pay for anything in my life. You know that."

He's got it made. He pays no rent, not for his phone, his car, anything. His parents pay for everything, but in the meantime his porn sites alone must be close to $1,000.00 a month if not more.

How does a porn addict confront a girlfriend who may be just a tad bit to old to be driving around with a doll in her lap? I guess he would rather her be playing with her dolls then snooping under his bed and in his closet where he keeps some dozen CD books full of downloaded smut on disks.

Anyway, Their wedding is only a few short months away, and between the lies, the dolls and the porn I am more then sure that this will be one of the greatest matrimonial unions in history. Just thinking about the porn fiend and the girl who plays with dolls having a sex life is somewhat unsettling to me, but at least they'll be a married couple shortly, which i suppose makes it slightly better somehow. At the very least it's going to make for great divorce court testimony.

But all joking aside I do wish them luck and happiness...

Me and Timmy had a falling out a few months ago after he was removed from our office. They put him in another room, gave him a meaningless job and stuck him in the corner. All he would do all day long was surf the Internet and email me useless garbage around one thousand times a day. I would tell him to knock it off and he would get upset. One day our little battle back and forth cyberfights escalated into something larger and now we no longer speak, which I suppose is what's best.

It's okay, I will always have the video I shot of him and another girl from our company getting busy in a hotel room while Jill was waiting for him to call from a few months ago to remember our friendship by, and that's enough for me...

As for my opinion on playing with dolls. I don't think that it's hurting anybody, it's just an odd little habit to hold onto at age nineteen. I myself am several years older then that and I will admit to still owning some toys, sure. I have more then a few action figure toys, star wars creatures and perhaps even boxed up in a closet somewhere, a stuffed animal. But, I think it's pretty safe to assume that if you walked into my apartment and saw me actually sitting there playing with them as thought they were real, or as though I was a child who didn't know the difference, that I had either lost my mind completely or had ingested accidentally a large amount of mushrooms.

What I have are collections, displays, memorabilia and memories, not playmates or toys. I can't imaging myself trying to use an inanimate object in place of something real like that at this point in my life, and although I'll admit my memory is sometimes shady at best, that I felt the exact same way at nineteen.

I don't think anything will come of it in the end though, Jills play habits. I don't think Jill needs to be sent to doll players anonymous any time soon. I'm sure it's a mild seventy-two degrees in her head all day long and she's going to be just fine.

I'm sure Jill will have herself a real baby within a year of the wedding, and hopefully that child will live up to all the expectations she's been fantasizing about on her drives to and from work each morning and afternoon. Hopefully when the real baby comes they will both dispose of their former hobbies and start over, replacing the fake with the real and spending their collective fantasy world time in the real world with the real baby. I myself wouldn't bet on it though.

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